I’ve been around a long time.

In business, almost forty years.

And because I’m an entrepreneur, most of those years have been spent trying to convince others of the wisdom of my ways. For whether I am: a.) trying to convince my customers to pay me, pay me earlier, or pay me just a bit more, or, b.) trying to convince my associates and employees to work just a little bit harder, and/or stay a little bit later, or in some other way “up” their output, or even, c.) trying to get some government employee to please go after someone else, I am first and foremost, a salesman.

And to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

One by-product of all of this selling is the fact that I have, and also along the way, met one helluva lot of people. Thousands, actually. For as night follows day, one cannot build and run a dozen start-ups without having to interact with a LOT of people.

About twenty or so years ago, I began to notice that I was starting to meet the same people, over and over again. And this is when I developed what I’ll call “Morris’ Postulate of the Re-appearing Hominid” --- better known as, “There are only so many different types of folks in this world and so sooner or later, they will begin to repeat themselves.”

Or something like that.

So, and as fall truly begins this cold and gray day, let me tell you about the hominids that I have had the privilege to know over the years --- and then see if you have any you’d like to add to my list.

So, and in no particular order, here goes:

(Note: I am only in this article pointing out the folks I have met through my work --- were I to bring in the “people types” I have met in “other” places, I’d likely find this column censored completely by my editor-in-chief and alter ego, Mr. Brian McMahon. Then, I’d have to think up an entirely new column --- something I judge to be, and at this late date, impossible!)

The Technologist - I offer no explanation as to why this particular Hominid Type (hereinafter, “HT”) is first on my list. Maybe because it is the first “type” name I saw written on my notepad.

The Technologist (hereinafter “Tech”) is in every business. He/she (and by the by, most Techs are male --- this goes way back to the beginning, when little boys played in the dirt and little girls in their bedrooms, methinks --- I personally wish that there were more female Techs) is the person who, and when asked by management, "Should we buy this new Technology for our business?" will invariably reply, “No, we really don’t need it,” (you do); or, “No, we already have it,” (you don’t); or, “No, we can build it ourselves,” (you probably can’t --- but even if you could, it would cost a fortune!) .

Most Techs will sit in on your meetings, alternately wearing either a frown or a look of complete skepticism. They appear to be saying, “Why the hell are you wasting my valuable time, time I could be using to play my video games, making me listen to (fill in the blank yourself) salesmen/accountants/CEOs, CFOs, and/or CIOs? This is because Techs believe that they are smarter than all of these folks, and that they are only in your company until such time as they can raise the funds to strike out on their own (they can’t --- at least not without two or three of these other people I just named).

Tech offices will generally be adorned with “things”, rather than pictures of family and friends. That’s just the way it is. Don’t expect to be able to start a conversation with a Tech you don’t know simply by observing his office decor. Cuz there really ain’t gonna be much there for you to learn from!

Techs hang with other Techs. Their favorite hangout is a bar with lots of video games and cheap beer. Should you ever find one hanging with a salesperson, promote him --- and immediately --- for this dude may have serious management promise.

Techs don’t really know everything --- but they sure as heck think they do. (Note: Having said this, they truly are your very best bet in terms of arcane and insignificant knowledge --- for example, “What is a Hectare?” Or, “How did Stonewall Jackson really lose that arm?” Things like that. If you’re ever headed out to a bar with trivia questions floating on some screen, take your least insufferable Tech. It’ll pay off.)

Some of my very best friends are Techs. But don’t talk to them on down days ---for most of them love to talk about things like “the end of the world”, and, “why can’t this company ever do anything right”? Truth be told, they’ll just bring you down even further.

Companies cannot run without Techs. Just can’t. But man, are they hard to figure out and even harder to get close to.

“The Politician” - Ahhh, one of my FAVS!

The Politician (how about we go with “POL” here?) is also known by the moniker, “Which way be the wind blowin’ today?” Here is a Pol’s M.O.:

• In a meeting (their natural habitat, BTW --- for while most company employees are trying to avoid meetings, Pols actually look for ones they can get away with attending) a Pol will sit and watch/listen to everyone until such time as they have accurately gauged: a.) who is the real power in this meeting?, and, b.)  what is it that they (the Power) really want to see/hear?

  Then, once the Pol figures out whatever it is that the Power needs to hear, they rear up their hind legs and pronounce their long-held belief in, and support for that very same position!  What’s more, this “support” speech is delivered, and generally, in some blusterous rant. For instance, “Well, I’ve always felt that the company should make its new employees run 40 laps before receiving their initial paychecks - builds confidence and trust”, and other words to that effect.




• Pols also love to sound officious. A Pol’s motto might well be, “Why use one word when ten is so much better?”, or, “Why use a simple word when I can truly impress by pulling out my smart phone and digging up some ten dollar synonym?”. Just the other day, I was in a meeting when I heard a typical Pol say, “Well, aren't we here to create capital appreciation? Why then this undue focus on cash-flow?”

  Huh? Whatever happened to “Let’s grow this business”?

The Put-Upon - Next, we have the “Put-Upon”, also known as the “Look How Hard I’m Working”. For brevity, why don’t we just call this category, “Hero”.

The Hero is always the person in your organization who just has to tell you how tough his or her job truly is. The Hero is a close relative of the “One-Upper”, a One-Upper being someone who always has to do things that are much more difficult than the ones you do.

Heroes will always find a way to let management (especially) and you know just how impossible it would be to run the company without them. To this end, they tend to report in on their heroic behaviors. Example: “Last night I worked until 5:00 AM”, says the Hero in a “five cubicle” voice. (Note: in most companies, the standard unit of measure for “words traveled” generally relates to the standard width of a commercial-grade cubicle ... and not feet or yards.)

An experienced Hero would also add to that 5:00 AM statement, “Oh, and I had to plunge the toilets on the first floor and then drop a prowler on two whilst making my way in.”

Heroes really don’t want or need money (the good news), just attention. Oh, if only their mommies had provided it first.

Heroes are characterized by their penchant for sighing a lot. Sighing and being Put-Upon are synonymous. Heroes are also always exhausted. Hell, wouldn’t YOU be if every night you had to work past 3:00 AM?

(BTW, I once knew a hero who worked for a huge corporation here in town. He would have his wife follow him in to his office on a Saturday morning. He’d then: a.) park his car in his “executive” spot, b.) go up to his office, where he would deftly place his sport coat on the back of his chair, and then, c.) go meet the wife and they would have breakfast and then go shopping. Of course, he knew that the “big boss” was always in on weekends.)

The Man With The Ear - This guy is ubiquitous. I truly think that no organization can exist without him.

And, I say “Him” because I have never, ever met a “Man With The Ear” that was of the female gender. Ladies, you should be proud!

So, who/what is a “Man With The Ear”? (How about we shorten this up to MWTE?) Well, the MWTE is the guy who somehow, someway knows exactly what is going on in at the highest levels of the company.  He knows the minutes of the Board Meetings and he is “tight” (they’re always “tight”, are they not?) with the top executives of not only YOUR company, but also of each client company.

MWTE never tells us HOW he knows these things --- he just does.

MWTE is closely related to the “Jailhouse Lawyer”, in that he reads the “truth” behind company news releases. Example: Company News Release says, “Company forms strategic partnership with XYZ Corp., a leading provider of walnuts and pistachios.” MWTE immediately holds court, saying, “Well, I KNEW this was gonna happen --- now we’re all going to be moving to Iowa, because what most people don’t know is that Iowa is where walnuts grow best.” Then, he’ll add, “hope you didn’t just re-mortgage your house.” (MWTE always at this point looks directly at the one guy he knows just re-mortgaged his home --- after all, why be a MWTE if you’re not going to leverage that knowledge?)

MWTE can also read company brochures and websites, again pointing out the real meaning of those carefully crafted words and symbols.

MWTEs crave attention. If you don’t give it to them, beware --- because their next “read” might just be about YOU!

Finally, the “Closed Shop” - The Closed Shop employee (also known as “The Hoarder”) is the person in your company who is least likely to teach you anything. Neither will he or she create or use systems and procedures that survive his departure from the business.

We all know why --- job security! For as soon as this person writes something down it becomes useful information for everyone.

And while that improves efficiency, it does nothing for this individual’s long-term survival prospects.

The Hoarder/Closed Shopper (Hell, that’s WAY too much --- let’s go with “HCS”, OK?) survives by his ability to cloak his procedures and processes from fellow workers. Ask a HCS how something works and you’ll get, “Just leave it with me and I’ll get it done for you”. When you persist, asking instead how the job can be done, the HCS-er will only stiffen. “In the time I take to explain it to you, I can have it done”, he’ll say, “ain’t nothing more efficient than THAT!” (fully ignoring your comment that you will have to perform this task twice a week from here on in).

HCS-ers can kill a business and they never change. So, change THEM first!

In that I’m approaching two thousand words, its best that I shut her down for now and instead ask YOU for YOUR submissions. Just respond below. I promise to respond to any reasonable responses you might have.

And remember, no matter how sophisticated this world becomes, it’ll always be a people world, first and foremost.

Sorry ‘bout that!